Thursday, July 26, 2007

The laws of cartoon physics

Finally, science George W. Bush can understand:

* Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation (plus an interval for live falling bodies to express an appropriate emotion).

* Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

* Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

* The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

* All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

* Falling bodies either collide with the earth completely elastically or inelastically. If the collision is elastic, the energy will be ultimately transferred to something else which collides absolutely inelastically (e.g., into a hanging cliffside that cracks and falls).

* Momentum is continual until noticed.

* Bodies can achieve energies greater than they originally started with, even if no external force is added (e.g., a rock will, when rolled against a ramp) fly higher than its original starting point.

* The amount of work on rocks falling tends towards zero (i.e., they tend to fall to their original (!) starting point).

* As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once, a situation similar to the ones described by quantum mechanics.

* Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. The one who cannot is usually the one who painted the tunnel in the first place and almost always after a character has passed through successfully.

* Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

* Everything falls faster than an anvil.

* Guns, no matter how powerful, or no matter where aimed, will do nothing more than char flesh, blow away feathers, or rearrange beaks. In certain occasions, they leave a perfectly circular hole that goes completely through the body of the character being shot, but this does not affect his/her health in any way.

* Any given amount of explosives will propel a body miles away, but still in one piece, charred and extremely peeved.

* Arms holding large falling weights are infinitely elastic, but will eventually drag the holder along

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